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I’m having some vision trouble today. I can’t see myself doing anything.
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you dont have to mow it.
Dear Graduates: Congratulations on making it through the easiest part of your life!
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
“A body at rest tends to stay at rest” should be an acceptable excuse for missing work.
Guys, want to find out all of your flaws in under a minute? Just ask your girlfriend if she`s gained weight.
Just stepped outside, closed my eyes, took a deep breathe of fresh air, sipped a Dew. What a perfect morning, what could go wrong? Crap I forgot 2 put pants on!
Guys, if my hair doesn`t look like a birds nest afterward, you`re doing it wrong.
If everybody was consistently as determined as they are when they carry all groceries in one trip, this world would be in a better place.
She texted me: "your adorable." I replied: "no, YOU`RE adorable." Now she likes me, but all I did was point out her typo.
Hey rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Played hide and seek today. I was winning until the cops let the K9 off of the leash.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’m gonna ki..-ahhh. Damn, he’s under a blanket.”
I think abs are for guys that don`t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me.