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I wish I could feel as happy as an adult, as I felt as a kid when the teacher wheeled in the TV during class
They say in the near future computers will become more intelligent than people, really, the near future? I walk down the street and see girls who struggle with the difference between orange and tanned, guys who have no idea how a belt works, and all of them with less language skills then the average trained chimp. Computers? Hell I’ve got an alarm clock that’s smarter than most of them right now.
I just took a 5 hour energy and a sleeping pill...LET THE BATTLE BEGIN.
There`s a fine line between crazy and free spirited and it`s usually a prescription.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Just been wondering what "please Do Not Touch" would be in Braille
I don`t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGI Friday`s once a month and glue more sh!t to the wall, no one notices, try it
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said "Do one thing every day that scares you" and that`s why I weigh myself in the mornings.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
My boss acts like during March Madness is the only time we`re less productive. Its cute
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them…
Bored? Simply send a text message to a random number saying..."I`m Pregnant!"
Me: You`re the prettiest girl I`ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you`re smart too, I like that.
I can always tell when I`m drunk. I tend to drop things...like my standards