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Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
WOW! This gym thing is a lot harder than it looked on Instagram.
NO, I didn`t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
Iām amazing in bed. I have the ability to stay there all day.
I got passed by a Prius on the Interstate and now Iām legally required to pee sitting down.
Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
Why is it that people who can eat really spicy food think the rest of us give a sh!t?
Google image results are like a party that starts off exactly how you expected and gets weirder the longer you stay.
No thermostat is as effective at regulating temperature as sticking a foot out from under the bed covers.
Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.
Nobody looks back on their life and remembers the nights they had plenty of sleep.
Honk if you want to see my finger.
I said my wife`s name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet`s empty...