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My girlfriend said that I should use the term `make love` instead of `f*ck.` What the make love is she talking about?
Someday, I hope to be so rich that I`ll never be happy again.
"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I`m the race car, sometimes I`m the iron. But usually I`m a peanut because I`ve lost all the game pieces.
Girl: I am not having having s@x with guys at the moment. Boy:I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.
Why would anybody put 99 bottles of beer up on a wall in the first place?
It might look like I`m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I`m quite busy.
Maybe the reason the world keeps making idiots famous is because 75% of the world is made up of idiots.
If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet... Then yeah... I`m about as self-helpful as they come.
im so hungry, im farting fresh air
A piñata is NOT a good idea for a Halloween costume.
So far my only real accomplishment in life has been not having kids.
I’m going to be very busy in the afterlife. the list of people I’m going to haunt grows everyday.
I could never trust a psychic who hasn`t won the lottery at least once.