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If I could turn invisible I’d go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he’d get would be amazing!
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then go find somebody whose life gave them vodka and throw a party.
I think my girlfriend’s hallucinating. She keeps telling me she’s seeing other people.
If you want to ruin a song forever use it for your alarm.
I`m pretty sure country music singers are all just the same guy wearing different hats.
To everybody that is single don`t worry you will have your day............ Palm Sunday is just around the corner
The hay in baby Jesus`s manger came from Christian Bales.
Interesting fact: Prior to the creation of hummus and ranch dressing nobody ate uncooked vegetables.
I finally did it. I gave my cat a bath today. It really wasn`t that bad. She enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. Other than the fur sticking to the roof of my mouth, it went well.
Just because I don’t like you doesn’t mean I don’t want you to like me.- Most Girls
As I slowly ran my finger down her G string I thought to myself, this is a nice guitar.
You can always tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.
I have finally conquered my annoying habit of repeatedly pressing the snooze button every morning by programming my alarm clock to play lullabies!
I`ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I`ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can`t reach the remote.
Whoever named anteaters, solid effort right there.