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You make me have filthy thoughts, and for that I thank you...
I just got off the couch and I think I accidentally did yoga or some $hit.
I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number? ...hmm
I am the bestest at the English language...
I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
I was looking all over for my ambition today......well, It wasn`t under this 12 pack, so I`ll look tomorrow.
When you can no long help someone, I can - said the coroner.
Sex is like pizza, if you`re going to use bbq sauce you better know what the f*ck you`re doing
People complain about auto-correct but it is helpful 99% of the titties.
The existence of the `snooze` button tells you everything you ever need to know about the human race.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, I tell people about my accomplishments and they say "big Deal
Stress balls work best when you shove them down somebody`s throat.
A man is as faithful as his options
You’re one of those women that my mom warned me about…Here’s my number.
I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding. I drink wine in yoga pants.