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You guys can laugh at my cargo pants all you want, but I just walked out of Taco Bell with 350 sauce packets.
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
It should be standard for wedding invitations to state if there will be an open bar or not.
I have a life, I have the best life in the world. Oh wait sitting around watching Netflix and eating pizza rolls isn`t a life. I guess i was wrong then. :( bummer
Googling ways to dispose of a body, mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen
My face is a 4, my personality is a 6, so basically, I`m a 10.
Sea levels aren’t rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…
Ask me about my ability to annoy complete strangers.
Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
Somewhere out there is a guy named Joe whose greatest achievement is that he was a really sloppy eater.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don`t know the man & he doesn`t know you`re eating his popcorn
Note to self: Asking the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your Facebook status in no way helps you get out of a DUI.
For some reason I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why
Me in a shopping mall: "I like that stuff" *looks at pricetag* "i don`t like it anymore"
Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.