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If you watch COPS backwards it`s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
While everyone may not speak the same language, we all know what time McDonald`s stops serving breakfast.
Saw a post stating "taking it one day at a time," so I responded "me too. That`s how days work."
I just want to read, have a snack, then take a nap. Basically, I just want to be in kindergarten again.
Walked into the kitchen for orange juice; walk out with sandwich, crackers, chocolate milk, and the TV remote I lost 30 minutes ago
Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better ... Well, for me anyway.
I avoid online dating sites because they match you up with people who share your interests. I don`t want to go out with a weirdo.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn`t 3 hours long.
I’ve realized I get ridiculously nervous driving behind semi’s or trucks carrying sh!t that could fall out and impale me all because of final destination 2.
Somebody told me I`m horrible with names.
The internet has made me so ADD. Started off googling "how to replace a timing belt" ended up watching a video on how to milk a camel.
The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener.
Ever noticed that `beer can` in a british accent sounds exactly like `bacon` in a jamaican accent?
Probably a good thing I`m not a ghost cause I`d just stay in the kitchen and scare people then eat all their food.