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if you want me to go running with you, I´m going to need some motivation... Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.
Sometimes, late at night in WalMart, I switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits.
I´m playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can´t get off the couch or I´ll die.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Found out today you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at the waffle house... just trying to help.
My wife’s cooking brings a whole new meaning to.. eat sh!t and die.
Today is a great day. The mailman just delivered me an Iron Maiden cassette, which finally fulfills my Columbia House commitment.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store clerk asked to come back soon?
I stopped watching the History Channel because it`s so outdated.
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don’t make the rules.
Even hoarders throw their chapstick away if someone else uses it.
I wan`t you to know that someone cares. not me, but someone.
The corner of my bathtub is also referred to as "The Shampoo Bottle Graveyard"
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was big white bear with no sexual preference.
"I’m definitely going to do that tomorrow.” — Me being delusional