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I`m not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
We laughed, we cried, we tried another credit card.
Insert coin to view my status message.
Whoever is in charge of making sure I don´t do dumb stuff is fired.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
Have you ever wondered if God looks down at you in a humorous moment, chuckles to himself, and says "yeah I made that!"
I just saw a bus that you would look amazing under.
Here`s hoping the wind at your back doesn`t come from the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch. Happy St. Patrick`s Day!
The only thing I`ve learned from my mistakes is that I make a whole bunch of them
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I`d probably have done better if they`d specified that they didn`t mean by tickling.
Just looked at the price of baby strollers. I think were gonna have an indoor baby.
My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he`s a lamp...what does he know....
"I love you unconditionally*." -God *certain terms and conditions apply. See Bible for more details.