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Being rich doesn`t equal happiness but i`d rather cry in a ferrari
200 pictures of you at the bar and 2 pictures with your kids. You must be quite the mom.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I`ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
What if cell phones are part of an elaborate plot to rid the world of phone booths so Superman has nowhere to change?
F is for friends who do stuff without you.
Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie
The more I get to know you, the more I`m convinced that you are the sole inspiration behind many medications.
Dear ladies, Not trying to impress you or anything, but I make my own sandwiches.
Took the ice from my ice bucket challenge and put it in my whisky.
I wish they all could be Jerry Springer girls.
I`d get lost less frequently if GPS would say "no, your other left."
I wonder if Monday can see my middle finger from here?
"I’m definitely going to do that tomorrow.” — Me being delusional