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I`m thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."
We live in a world in where it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract
My parents told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!” so I turned on the subtitles.
"That wasn`t chicken in the Chow Mein" I`d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
All I`m saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.
F*ck It - My final thought before making decisions.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
is pondering why people have a favorite color M&M when they all taste the same!
is not impatient. I just patient really fast.
I swear, if one more person calls me an alcoholic they are getting a high five too.
Some of you need to be driven out to the country and released back into the wild
Let`s be honest... Gay Divorce Court would be the best thing to happen to daytime TV in the history of ever.
Why are police men so strong? Because they hold up traffic.
"Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.
Women- God’s version of a Rubik’s cube.