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I can alwasy tell when movies do not use real dinosaurs
Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. - The Swiss Army
The covers of this book are too far apart.
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
If I drunk text you and you`re sleeping, don`t text me in the morning. That ship has sailed.
Her (from the living room): What time is it out there? Me (in the kitchen): Same time as it is in there.
When I become famous I`m not going to tell anyone.
My stomach just growled so hard I thought I was getting a text message.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work. I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
He who laughs first, must be connected to wi-fi.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
They`ve been farting with my facebook again. It`s like the old days when the the girl you woke up with wasn`t the one you went to bed with.
When your Dr. says "I`ll need to Google that"..... it`s time to change Doctors
I think I may have misunderstood my boss yesterday when she told me that she wanted to see me hard at work