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We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Condom slogan: Wrap it in latex or she`ll get your paychecks.
Dear shaving commercials, stop shaving hairless legs. If you want impress us, please shave a gorilla.
I see you`re busy. I`ll come back later and ruin your free time.
I hate when I forget my sunglasses and get caught staring at a woman`s boobs for 20 minutes.
Currently helping my son look for his chocolate that I ate last night.
Found out the name of my neighbor`s cat. In other news, I now have free internet.
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can`t figure out who`s going to do it.
Does anyone have a good recipe for homemade gasoline?
My cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it`s giving me serious ideas, folks
Nothing says "I love you" like my cat aggressively bathing itself immediately after I pet her.
I wish people would stop judging me before they find out how much of an a$$hole I actually am.
The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.
DOCTORS WRITING: "?? ?? ??." HOW I SEE IT: "?????." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Aspirin."
We could learn a lot from bees. Organization, productivity, community sacrifice, stinging people who annoy us.......