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What I lack in height, I make up for in kitchen counter climbing ability.
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it.
This guy keeps asking me to help pet his neglected, one-eyed trouser snake. What a sweet guy! I think he`s a vet. Ladieeees! A doctor!!
Logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
Sometimes to much to drink is never enough
I know alcohol isn`t the answer, but it`s my best guess.
Who ever said, "The customer is always right", clearly never worked with the public a day in their life.
Coffee: So I can do nothing with more energy.
I`m not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn`t looking,, I can turn water into Sprite.
POLITICS; from `poly` meaning `many and `Tics` meaning blood-sucking creatures. Just sayin`
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! She must be losing it! Who threatens someone with a vacation?
According to new research, too much sex can cause memory loss. Finally, something that explains my ultra detailed photographic memory.
The only way I`ll ever run a marathon is if I set up the booths and hand out tags.
All I want for Christmas is for these calories to not count.
Did you hear about the homeless guy that tried selling me meth?.... Yeah it was Bumcrack.