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You just don`t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
I just burned 1200 calories ... I forgot the pizza in the oven again.
I`m not sure what my spirit animal is, but I`m sure it has Rabies.
Trust me when I say anyone can dance! - Jack Daniels
I don’t always have a cool Facebook status, but when I do, an older relative ruins it with a lame comment.
The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly into one hour.
Patience is what I have when there are too many witnesses.
I went to the doctor for a check up and he says I`m going to live. But I think he`s wrong and it`s just a matter of time.
Tip of the day: Don`t piss off anyone who has unlimited access to your toothbrush.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
my doctor says I have the body of a 20 year old, the mind of a 30 year old and the wisdom of a someone twice my age, to which my husband asked " What did he say about your fat ass?" I said to my husband, "Oh , the doctor didn`t say anything about you dear!".
Facebook is like a nude beach. Everybody lets everything hang out, and you really don`t want to see a lot of it...
If I’ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.
If by a blow job you mean blowing everything out of proportion then yes I totally rock at blow jobs.
If the cupcake has some green sprinkles on it, it`s a vegetable, right?