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Doing it wrong is the only thing I do right.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
If you like someone, pretend they`re a charger and you`re an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.
Patient: "The problem is that obesity runs in my family." Doctor: "No, the problem is no one runs in your family."
There aren`t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman. Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.
Why is maple syrup so expensive?.. It grows on trees doesn`t it?
Did you hear that? That was the sound of soccer being irrelevant in the US for another 4 years..
My math is never so quick or exact as when I see an old flame with a child.
If God didn`t want us to eat Animals he wouldn`t made them out of meat.
I don`t run away from my problems. That`s immature. I ignore them.
I don`t know what I`d do without coffee...Probably twenty five to life in the state penitentiary.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
I don`t understand the saying "you snooze you lose"... I hit the snooze button 8 times this morning and feel like a champion.