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Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account
Dang I didn`t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
I hate it when you follow your dreams and wind up in a dumpster in the back ally of an IHOP.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Plumbers should keep busy this week now that No Shave November is over..
Running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Marijuana is a type of flower, therefore I am a florist not a drug dealer :p
why would i ever pay to go to a nascar event when i could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free
When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from overexcitement.
One time I was in a bar and there was this really weird guy pouring booze all over his hand. Turned out he was trying to get his date drunk
"Lets hang out sometime" -liars.
I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.
You don`t need to use your words if you`re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
I spent the first 20 minutes of 2014 looking for the remote.
My girlfriend is about to do this ice water bucket challenge. She don`t know yet though she`s still in bed