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A good husband is like a bra. He should be supportive and help support your burdens, but mostly he`s just there to touch your boobs.
Why is it socially acceptable to wear a bikini at the beach but not on the bus? At the end of the day I’m just a guy in a bikini on the bus.
I`ll be taking my time and yours,, thank you....... -- all 80 yr. old drivers
It must be really hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest because I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Money can`t buy happiness, but I`d rather cry in a Ferrari.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I`m alright, but I feel like, well, like I`ve dyed a little inside.
The girl on the flyer is never at the club.
I guess the teachers went back to school. The bar was nearly empty this morning.
I`m starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke break a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
No one should be surprised that so many statuses are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Facebook by making good life decisions.
The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink.
You can`t run from your problems. unless your fat.