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“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” would be a terrible way to let your child know that they’re adopted.
There’s both a McDonald’s and a blood pressure machine in this Walmart. Circle of life.
Ever since I installed Adblocker, I have been severely depressed. Hot singles in my area are no longer interested in me.
"I just launched a new fragrance!" - a great way to announce a fart
Just used the holiday card with your kid`s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
"I wish people would start doing ice bucket challenges again" - said no one ever!
I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I`m fat and can`t run for more than 2 minutes.
That feeling you get when you meet someone named dick....
My worst ideas have all either started or ended with having no pants on.
“FREEZE! NOBODY MOVE!” – Mother Nature
Deep down I don`t believe that paper beats rock.
If only someone on the internet would give me their opinion on the election.
Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry.
"Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this."--MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Don`t understand how you can forget about someone you loved so much. Like that time my mum drove off and left me in the supermarket car park