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You can turn anything into a compliment if you`re delusional enough.
If I could move things by telekinesis I`d squeeze people`s insides and make them fart.
Reality is for those who can`t handle alcohol
If you`ve never needed to move to a new city and assume a new identity, then we probably haven`t dated.
My friend sent his wedding invitation from Facebook Event. I sent him a gift from Farmville.
My life is a movie. One of those movies where most of the people start leaving right in the middle of it.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.
Life..it`s just an `F` in lie....
If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can`t have a headache and sex at the same time?
Best thing = Waking up, looking in your refrigerator and seeing a pizza box.
After all these years, I`m beginning to suspect that Waldo doesn`t want to be found.
Currently under the influence of cold and flu medicine...my actions can not be held against me!
I don´t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.