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Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they`re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
I hate when I get to work and I`m at work.
From now on when someone asks you where you`re from look them dead in the eye and say: Planet Venus.
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
I will be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti! I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day!
The Four Seasons, by Facebook: Spring: LOOK FLOWERS! Summer: LOOK AT MY DASHBOARD TEMP! Fall: LOOK LEAVES! Winter: MORE DASHBOARD PICS!
Mom: Clean your room. We`re having guests over for dinner. Me: I didn`t realize that dinner will be held in my room.
Boobs are like the Sun. You can stare at them directly just for a few seconds, but if you put on sunglasses, you can stare as much as you want!
I need to start setting an alarm to go to bed.
Kids today will never know the frustration of having to rewind their dads porn tapes to the exact same spot...
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
If by "crunches" you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
It`s time to admit that as a species, we are just not ready for 4-way stops