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The only "B" word you should call a woman is "beautiful"... B!tches love being called beautiful.
Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.
If they put beer in CapriSun pouches I could fit a lot more in my cooler. Just thought I`d throw that out there, people who invent sh!t.
Babysitters are just teenagers who behave like adults so that adults can go out and behave like teenagers.
It should cost $10 to leave someone a voicemail.
I put my phone on Airplane Mode and now I can`t find it...
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit?
If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone`s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper "to go"
I`m an accident looking for a place to happen!
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I text a lot.
If I`ve learned anything from the Kardashians it`s that I shouldn`t let my complete lack of talent hold me back.
The best way to let people remember you is to `borrow money from them`
The real plot hole in Cinderella was that if everything disappeared at midnight why did the shoe stay?
I`m tired of making the same mistakes over and over again. Does anyone have any new mistakes I can borrow?