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My Therapist told me not to drink while I`m on my Meds but little does she know...I`ve been off my Meds for almost a week now!
“Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.
All my bills say "outstanding", I guess that means I`m good to go!
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
I don`t care how much you like the soap. Never leave a public restroom smelling your fingers.
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person. ..apparently they call THAT stalking.
Sometimes I`ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I`ll be like, "oh no, that can`t be right."
I`ve always pictured myself taking selfies.
You know it`s time to get a girlfriend when you masturbate in different positions
I may or may not have just "Whipped my Hair Back and Forth".......
There are more important things in life than Facebook and Twitter, like watching TV and having a beer.
All a girl wants is a guy that can make her laugh ... and not just when he drops his pants.
uncle Sam can`t be related to me because family wouldn`t do me like this.
A guy had his whole left side torn off, the doctor said he`s all right.
I hate it when I meow at cats and they don`t meow back. Unbelievably rude