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Monday is like canned spinach...I can can deal with it but I`d prefer something else.
Doctor: How is your headache? Me: She is fine.
Sometimes to much to drink is never enough
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say “Give me the dumbest thing you can think of.”
Here walk a mile in my shoes. They`re giving me huge blisters.
I’m not stupid. I’m just too lazy to show how smart I am.
It`s shocking how much unhappiness is caused by the pressure to be happy.
Bad things happen to good people, so I`m pretty sure we`re all safe
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is "BURN HIM, HE`S A WITCH"
A moment of silence to all the kids who can’t wait to become a teenager because they think it’s fun..
I go out all day looking good and saw no one I know. I go out for 5 minutes looking like sh!t and it`s all of the sudden a f*cking reunion.
received a call saying that my son had been lying in school, and was being expelled. I don´t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar.
If all the world´s a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
Some of the best memories I have are of times right before the cops showed up.
You haven`t truly tested your patience yet until you get stuck behind an undecided person at a Redbox kiosk.