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Corduroy boxing gloves deliver the best punchlines.
I watched Americas Got Talent for 15 minutes and I beg to differ.
Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I`m just a sh!thead."
The hardest thing about looking for work is the sobriety.
Today I found a penny. It reminded me of you. Worthless & found in everybody`s pants.
My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it`s up to you.
You`re not living life right if you don`t get just a little bit nervous every time you hear a police siren.
Half the time spent on Facebook is likely spent by creeping people and /or staring at the screen waiting for something interesting to happen.
I`ve created a new gym to help with the child obesity problem. There is no building, I am just slowly driving around neighborhoods in an ice cream truck without ever stopping.
You would think with all the ice water laying all over the world, it would be a lot cooler...
If you give up smoking, drinking, and sex, you don’t live longer, just seems longer.
Admit it, you`ve answered Dora at least once in your life.
You know what the trouble about real life is? There`s no danger music.
My idea of drinking responsibly is using a coaster.