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The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it`s your day off.
Conspiracy theory for conspiracy theorists: Your conspiracy theories were planted by the government to distract you from real conspiracies.
Are the ATF and border patrols also shutdown? Asking for a Mexican friend....
Dear liver…. Here is an advance sorry for tonight… sincerely Jimmy…
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Take me seriously at your own risk.
No Shirt No Shoes No Service. What about pants?
If I knew how to backflip, I`d never walk anywhere.
Currently under the influence of cold and flu medicine...my actions can not be held against me!
New Life Goal: Get a job where people ask me, "You actually get paid for doing this?"
I`d hit that. - women drivers
Setting an alarm is how we ruin days that haven`t even started yet.
When I die I want someone to play that little death jingle from Mario Bros at my funeral.
The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it.
My girlfriend says I need to grow up. I think she`s just angry I didn`t give her the password to my pillow fort.