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That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you’re moving.
Since you were smiling when you tazed me, I`m guessing we still have a chance.
You know it`s been a good day when you finally take your pajamas off - and put some new ones on.
I keep myself in just good enough shape to outrun most women and small children during emergencies.. :|
I am sorry I had feelings. I`ll replace them with jokes right away.
Was born with a rare condition called "Amazing"
When one door closes and another one opens, your house is probably haunted.....
I dreamt I was you..I hated myself. Luckily I woke up..woah that was close.
The hardest part about having a vivid imagination is finding enough things to climb on to avoid all the frickin’ lava on the floor!
If there is not an open bar and a delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.
If Facebook isn’t a drug then someone please explain to me why I sneak into the bathroom at work to use it.
Hmmmmm,,,, Turns out all this time, I’ve been using a life couch instead of a life coach.
Facebook should have a limit on times you can update your relationship status, after 3 it should default to "unstable".
7.1 billion people in the world. 0 willing to lower their standards and date me.
If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week!