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3 shots of vodka can erase 8 hours of rage in 15 minutes. That’s all the math you really need to know.
I enjoy shopping online because at least I don`t have to act all shocked when my credit card gets declined.
Shouldn`t there have been at least one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
I’m over the 30-day ab challenge. Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole
I got a letter in the mail saying I was pre-approved for a Walmart Credit Card. Not sure if I should be honored or ashamed.
"The more the merrier": My excuse for extra food.
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Wait… Regular or Asian?
If you put a "Student Driver" sign on top of your car, Nobody will ever suspect you of drunk driving.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much sh!t to carry.
I paid My 11 year old $10 to do the dishes, then on her way to the bathroom I mugged her...because, you know, life lesson.
Reverse cowgirl. Perfect for when you`re horny, but can`t stand to look at each other !
After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.