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They say a woman’s work is never done. Maybe that’s why they get paid less.
I`m going to buy a new dictionary. After watching Final Destination 5, I clearly don`t understand the meaning of Final.
Sometimes when I`m bored I crawl into a corner of my room and pretend I`m a person.
I think there are great benefits in remaining strangers.
Just rescued a Coca Cola that was trapped in the fridge!
Why is it that flies can get in your car so easy, but can`t figure out how to escape with all the windows down.
Under no circumstances shall a call be made to another male after 2 a.m., unless its to get bailed out of jail.
You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and it’s cold.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough
I tried sniffing coke once but the ice cubes kept getting sucked in my nose!
I have company coming, does a spork go on the right or left side?
I don`t care if you wear footie pj`s or sleep with a Snuggie. If you swish Listerine in your mouth for the full 30 seconds, you are BADA$$.
New parent: I can`t believe how awesome my baby is. 10 years later: Wow, they sure do grow up fast...10 years later: Seriously, get the f*ck out of my house!!
Buy a "World`s Greatest Boss" mug and drink out of it in front of your boss.