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My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I’d go to hell for.
Decaf only works if you throw it on people.
Its not my fault if I blame everyone for my mistakes...right?
Video games are cool because they let you experience fantastical power-fantasies. for example in The SIMS you have a job and a house.
Men are a lot like kids, if you want to shut them up, put a boob in their mouth.
I meant to make you a rum cake but somehow I made you a plain cake and now I’m drunk.
I`ve seen more pins in the last few days then stone cold steve austin on groundhog day..
I hate in video games how penguins always use their ability to slide on their stomachs for evil
You will attract attention if wearing a skirt on a windy day. This is doubly true if you are a man.
If u think I talk to much, just let me know. We can talk about it!
Its amazing how much more tolerable thanksgiving with the family becomes after the 5th cocktail…
There is no life on earth without water. Because without water, there is no coffee. And without coffee, I`ll kill you all.
Nothing says "friend zone" quite like a girl saying "you`re like a brother to me." (Disregard this message if you`re from Alabama)
Lazy Rule #23 :No Shower Is Needed, If your Not Going Anywhere...
Sometimes you just need to do something stupid while sober so that people will leave you alone about your drinking.