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I told the monster in my closet that coming out of of there would make him gay, haha problem solved ....
I would like to say to all my 500+ facebook friends, that i love each and every one of you..except you number 371..your a real a@@hole!!
My life is a lot like Ikea furniture with missing instructions. I’ll get it together eventually but it won’t ever feel quite right.
I said "Candyman" 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
I wish I had Shazam for faces...
I can only please one person a day...and today is not your day!
I like to pee on car windows in subzero weather, happy scraping
Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."
I just don`t have enough middle fingers for today.
Beer doesn’t have that many vitamins in it…that’s why you have to drink a lot.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written “eff off forever” instead of “keep in touch” in your yearbook.
I`d like to thanks all the girls for wearing yoga pants. It is the only reason why we`re not complaining about how cold this winter it
I made you a cake. I also ate it for you.
If I die, bury me with fire extinguishers. Because: Hell
If you love something, feed it so much that it get’s too fat for anyone else to want.