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Maybe cologne should come with a two sprays a day lock on it.
My fantasy is having two men at once. One cooking. One cleaning.
Remember if you ask me to put sun lotion on your back, I am definitely drawing something dirty while I`m back there.
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name...
I`m single by choice. Not MY choice. But it`s still a choice
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Dear Carly Simon, Yes I am so vain that I do think that song is about me.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
12 year olds having sex ? Im sorry when i was 12 i was to afraid to pull my foreskin back incase my d*ck fell out.
Wanna ruin a girl’s day? Respond to her next text with “Who is this?”
Nobody talk to me until I`ve Instagrammed my coffee.
Someone stole my identity and returned it 10 minutes later.
You can’t run from your problems forever. Eventually, you’ll have to take a car or a plane to really avoid them.
“I’m sorry” and “my bad” mean the same thing… Unless you’re at a funeral.
Today I caught myself smiling… I was thinking of you… Don’t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.