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When people said they sleep like a baby, it`s because they do not have one.
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrhea!
Do you ever watch a movie and realize you have to watch it again because you were on your phone the whole time?
We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.
A guy outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I told him, I feel like it would take longer than that
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Imagine Ferris Bueller trying so hard not to Instagram his whole day off.
Q: What do you call apple-flavoured marijuana? A: iPot
Big deal, Times Square, I drop the ball at least twice a week.
Remember when the scariest thing we had to deal with was computers forgetting what year it was
Do the other settings on the washer actually do anything?
“We don`t lick people!” - Lies adults tell kids
My Kid: Can we go to a haunted house this year? Me: What`s wrong with the one we live in? My Kid: WHAT?! Me: Goodnight, son.
My goal today is to turn actions into thoughts.