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I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I`m the race car, sometimes I`m the iron. But usually I`m a peanut because I`ve lost all the game pieces.
You`re probably wondering how I post so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
I`m not an alcoholic I just have a lot of things to celebrate.
You call them “cuss words.” I choose to call them “sentence enhancers.”
Bring me the heads of my enemies!! or some cupcakes ... whichever.
I had the greatest bowel movement at 2am......unfortunately I woke up at 8am (<>..<>)
Currently helping my son look for his chocolate that I ate last night.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Some of my friendships are bad for my liver.
It`s not too late to start convincing our children that the world really did end in 2012 and we`re the survivors.
Irony is paying a therapist to listen to how you don’t like talking to other people.
There should be a law requiring the cashier to high five you every time you buy a box of condoms.
That awkward moment when your trapped in the corner of your shower because the hot water ran out.
There`s no use worrying about things you can`t control. And the good news is, that`s pretty much everything.