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I’m eating for two – me and that skinny girl inside my body. She likes cake, too.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
I like my relationships like I like my eggs: over easy.
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.
My GPS says "time of arrival" ... I see "time to beat."
How come there`s never enough dirt to refill the hole even after you`ve put the body in? Asking for a friend
I don`t drink to get drunk, I drink to.....no wait, I definitely drink to get drunk.
gets drunk on one drink. The trouble is, I can´t remember if it´s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
Whenever you feel like a genius, remember there was a time in your life when you were learning to not poop your pants.
Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, that chicken had to be somewhere between 7` to 10` tall.
Just tore the tag off my mattress and there’s nothing the feds can do about it. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!
Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I`m really fun to talk to.
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling.. as I butter a doughnut
Its so cold outside I might even post about it on Facebook