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To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. If a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.
I wish I could veto MY bills.
A cool thing about being in a relationship is that when you make a mistake you get to hear about it over and over.
Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.
Look for my new diet book: "How To Work Out And Watch What You Eat And Still Gain Plenty Of Weight"
If I pretend to be dead will you stop talking?
Man I wanna throw a book at someones face and be like "I Facebooked you!"
If the Dollar Store ever starts selling alcohol....drinks are on me.
We must STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under!
We all make mistakes .... I just do it better than everyone else.
Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I`ll read 4 or 5 status updates and I`ll cry, because I relieze how dysfunctional some of my friends life`s are. but then I`ll smile when I remember things like the leftover pizza from last night sitting on the coffee table!
Dont you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HOPE YOU HAVE AN AMAZING DAY!! (To all of my FB friends, please don`t read this until the appropriate day)
"Don`t cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse."
Bands who can`t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert