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My daughter just explained to me that these dinner postings were not real invites. I have to apologize to all my friends out there for showing up last week.
Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don`t make a right. Tomorrow I`m going to try three.
Little to no thought was put into this status.
There are dozens of different flavors of ramen noodles, but they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
What if in like 30 years they made a film about Leonardo DiCraprio and how he never won an Oscar…and the actor who played him got an Oscar.
Some day I wanna be "change my oil every 3000 miles" rich!
Sometimes I get in this weird mood where I find everyone annoying. But it only happens when I’m awake.
I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk. I`m in whey over my head.
My dog doesn`t always bark like there`s an intruder in the house, but when he does he waits until I`m home alone and in the shower.
Most of my thoughts have been coming from a very dark place lately. That`s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
It`s my birthday. I’m not just a year older, I’m also a year better and prettier ... I know your jealous ;)
If you`re feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
I`m switching to Metric. I would weigh a lot less on the Metric scale.
I`ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you`d be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"
You know you`re a mom when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.