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I`ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don`t know karate.
Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
That awkward moment when you make a Harry Potter reference and none of your Muggle friends get it.
My moral compass must run on solar power because it never seems to work after dark.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say "I`m affordable" instead of "I`m adorable".
If one of Santa`s helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?
It takes balls to be a man.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer
Bathtub` spelled backwards is still `bathtub`. It`s not, but for a second there, you believed me.
I think sharks eat people just to be on tv.
Why do people say "Tuna Fish sandwich?" That`s like saying "Chicken Bird sandwich."
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming... 1. Whenever you`re wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you`re right, shut up.
I love updating my Facebook status while crossing the stre
So who the heck ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?
i used to like you but thanks to facebook i now know how boring u are