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I`m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
My taste in music ranges from, "You need to listen to this" to "I know, please don`t judge me."
The iPad Air is named after what`s left in your bank account when you buy one.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
Being married is 90% talking about what to have for dinner.
What if 11:11 actually works but there`s one person in this world that`s wishing for everyone`s wishes to not come true?
Some people just lack the ability to realize that everyone in the room wants them to shut up.
After opening this month`s electric bill, I am no longer scared of the dark.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs.
You move into my house, delete all my porn, decorate every wall with rooster pictures, talk incessantly, leave hair everywhere and are too tired for sex?? Sounds great, let`s do it!!
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
It`s Saturday morning. My neighbor has mowed his lawn AND weeded his garden. I`ve spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
I will resolve to spend less time on Facebook..............ok, got that one out of the way.....................
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. I hope they let me back in Walmart.