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Some people say a true friend stabs you in the front. I’m gonna go ahead and say a true friend just puts the knife down.
Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible.
75% of women in open relationships don`t actually know it yet.
I`m working harder than an ugly stripper!!
Somehow, hitting the "end call" button on the cell phone just doesn`t feel nearly as good as the old days when you could slam the phone down on somebody.
The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she’s never around when I’m awake.
May have put up a few too many Christmas lights. A 747 just landed in the backyard.
I`m a compulsive liar. Every thing I say is a lie. And that`s the truth.
It`s the weekend!!! The " Responsible Adult Button" has been switched to OFF!!
is not rude...I just wasn`t taught to politely pretend to be nice to people I can`t stand.
I love how television has redefined the word `marathon` to the exact opposite of physical exercise
All of my plans for the future start out with “when I get rich”
Guess it`s time to get to the part of the day I hate... the part which requires pants.
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
So today my gym was crowded...at least I think it was a gym...Do gyms usually have drive thrus?