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Nothing says "My life isn`t going exactly as I planned" quite like being at Wal Mart at 1am.
Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out. But he shuts up when I eat cake.
Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.
How do people rap? I can’t even talk without messing it up.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100`s of strangers` mouths
Drake isn`t even a rapper anymore. He`s an emotion, like "how are you doing today?" "idk im feeling kinda drake though"
You know that tingly feeling you get when you have a crush on someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
All I`m saying is, you`ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time
We all make mistakes .... I just do it better than everyone else.
Don`t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
I like when people call me "Sir". I just wish they wouldn`t follow it up with "you`re making a scene."
Don`t get out of bed, it`s a trap.
The problem with coffee is trying to make it when you haven`t had any yet.
The first guy who made fire by rubbing two sticks together probably did a lot of other weird sh!t.
You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you’ll see a wedding ring.