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The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!!
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn`t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
I see your arguement contains a lot of swear words, you must really know what you`re talking about
Haters gonna hate, your honor
Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn`t talk much and I like that.
Was shopping when a small child riding shotgun in a shopping cart yelling "why you ain`t got no babies?"I bet my father in law paid her
With Halo 4, Black Ops II and Assasins Creed III, I think November might register the lowest teen pregnancy rates in a long time!
When Life Gives You Lemons Don`t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don`t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life`s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I`m the man who`s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I`m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
whenever I take my clothes off the shower usually gets turned on
If I could keep it short, my life would be so much simpler.
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"
this isn`t the status you`re looking for
OMG!!!!! I almost went to the toilet without my phone!
I kinda like zombies...but can we go ahead & decide whether they can run fast or just walk? ... my apocolypse plans depend on it ... thanks!
Spoiler Alert: Ladies, if your guy friend gets you a teddy bear, it has a Camera in it.