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When you`re trying to change the channel on the tv, and the remote starts ringing, you`re probably drunk.
I just took a 5 hour energy and a sleeping pill...LET THE BATTLE BEGIN.
Don`t invite me anywhere last minute. I enjoy doing nothing so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.
I get a little nervous eating cucumber in a single woman`s home.
you know why maths is unhappy? because it got so many problems.
the kids next door have challenged me to a water balloon fight. just updating my status while waiting on the water to boil.
The perfect time for a snack is while you’re waiting for another snack to finish cooking.
Why are there never any good side effects. Just once, I’d like to read a medication bottle that says “May Cause Multiple Orgasms”
According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low…Well, sure, it’s hard to steal a car when the owner’s living in it…
What if your soulmate is over there on Twitter while you`re here on Facebook?
My favorite mythical creature is the happy b*tch in tampon commercials.
The difference between pizza and your opinion is that I asked for pizza…
All my dance moves look like i`m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
It takes about 2.9 seconds for me to go from “this is the best day ever” to “I want to stab every person on planet Earth.”
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80`s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.