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My horoscope started with `are you sitting down?`
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
If it rains on a dream catcher, does that make it a wet dream catcher?
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
Why put off `til tomorrow what you can premeditate today.
If you like to listen to music while having sex, listen to a live album. That way you will get an applause every 3-4 minutes.
When you’re old, my kids will be in charge. I’m so, so sorry.
My nickname is Gilette because I`m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
My relationship status? Last night, in the elevator, I told a girl she had nice shoelaces.
I`m old enough to remember being the tv remote.
My 17yo pretends he doesn`t understand how the washer works when I ask him to do the laundry Congrats, you`re finally a man
I really don`t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she`s at least 18.
I never used to mind my wife hitting me in the face as she climaxed until I found out she was faking it.
How I sing it: "A, B, C, D, E, F, G,....H, I, J, K, A LEMON OH PEE!....Q, R, S....T, U, V....W, X....Y, and Z."
Women and children first because men deserve a little quiet time before the ship sinks.