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It may look like I’m in deep thought, but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
Sex is great, but.....Have you ever had stuffed crust pizza?!?!
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
You know you are old when people keep telling you how young you look.
My life has a great cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.
Billion dollar idea: A phone that charges using body fat!
? Taken ? Single ? So sexy that they’re all scared to go out with me.
The new Jungle Book movie might be confusing to today`s kids who don`t remember when we had jungles. Or books...
Sometimes I really think I have my life together...and then I realize my underwear is on inside-out.
Don’t bother looking up “impose.” It’s next to impossible.
I`m a compulsive liar. Every thing I say is a lie. And that`s the truth.
Making good decisions doesn’t really go with my outfit.
Dude, I see you are enjoying a cold Bud Light Lime-a-Rita .... I`m going to assume that`s your smart car parked outside.
“I wonder how much weight I’ve lost.” -Me, after eating one healthy meal.
FUN FACT: If you take all of the marshmellows out of a box of Lucky Chrams, you`ll have a bag of Purina Cat Chow