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When a girl tells you she has a nipple piercing, the correct response is always "I don`t believe you."
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why i fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again..
I give myself the best presents.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes
If Trump wins I`m leaving the country. If Hillary wins I`m leaving the country. This is not a political post, I just want to go on vacation.
When ever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth and drink all the rum inside. It seems to help.
I just saw a woman at Walmart with March Madness teeth ... She was down to the final four.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don`t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
I wish electronics would scream a little bit when you unplugged them.
True Story: People will believe you when start a story saying "True story"
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald`s Playland ball pit
They`ve been farting with my facebook again. It`s like the old days when the the girl you woke up with wasn`t the one you went to bed with.
When I`m bored, I send a text to a random number saying, " I hid the body, now what?"
Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling