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I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
Lots of people waiting in lines today. Did a new iPhone just come out?
It`s so cold outside I had to put Jack in my Coke to keep it from freezing.
Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore.
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.
I spend 800% of my life exaggerating.
I ruined my health by drinking to everyone else’s.
I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts “Batman” when he’s drunk. I know I do.
I wonder where superman changes now that there are no more phone booths
A cross-eyed teacher has no control over her pupils
on a scale of 1-10 how honest are you? I would say 10 but then i would be lying!
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches.
The real plot hole in Cinderella was that if everything disappeared at midnight why did the shoe stay?
Ain`t no sandwich when she`s gone.