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Anyone else immediately turn down the car radio the second you think you might be lost?
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Before I got married I didn`t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
How ignorant do I have to be before I start experiencing bliss?
If I`ve learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey, its that women still haven`t figured out you can watch porn at home... for free.
Mondays should start at noon.
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit? Asking for a friend.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
I don`t understand fat homeless people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c`mon...even I`ve done THAT!"
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much shit to carry.
The songs I like always come on when I’m supposed to be getting out of my car.
I’ve got about as much self control as two rabbits on a first date!
Being in the doghouse isn`t so bad if there`s enough beer in the bowl.
If you kept one of those jars where I`d have to put in a quarter every time I swore, you would be a billionaire by the end of the week.