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Do people who run know that we’re not food anymore.
I`ve had frozen pizza and delivery pizza in the same day, b!tch you don`t know me.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Always be yourself, unless you can be Batman, always be Batman.
To show my support for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I`ll be giving free breast exams all month. Hit me up if you`re interested.
No one in my family has ever actually used the Olive Garden gift card. We just keep passing it down from generation to generation.
I spend more time looking in the fridge than I actually do eating.
If I procrastinated any harder right now, it would have to involve time travel.
My only argument with using the treadmill, is that I can`t run away from my farts.
Hell hath no fury like a hungry me.
I`m motivated by a need to leave something meaningful in the world & a profound desire to shove it in the face of anyone who`s rejected me.
Please please, keep talking. I always yawn when I`m interested...
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Someone stole my identity and returned it 10 minutes later.
I`m old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.