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Premature ejaculation and hide and seek have one thing in common. 1 2 3 ready or not here I come.
The weekend went by and I don’t remember any of it. That’s a good thing right?
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, "You gotta bring it today!" ... So I packed a lunch and went to work.
My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
Sleeping is so difficult when you have a world awake in your phone.
You should never lie through your teeth. Open your mouth and speak properly.
I fail to understand the ‘good’ part of ‘good morning’
Blacking out when you’re drunk is god’s way of telling you that it’s none of your business what you do when you’re drunk.
I’ve been reading a lot about how to live and eat healthier and then not doing anything with that information.
Finally down to my pre-pregnancy/pre-kids weight...well...before my wife had kids I mean.
How come there`s never enough dirt to refill the hole even after you`ve put the body in? Asking for a friend
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS? EUROPE: How can we save our economy? AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it`s Santa Claus!" so I don`t have to get up.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Sometimes when you first meet someone you just know you want to spend the rest of your life ... Avoiding them