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I love being married. It`s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
My resolution last year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
The Manning`s Thanksgiving is going to be awkward this year. "Eli, can you pass the stuffing- oh wait, you better let Peyton do it."
Is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep?
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself." ~5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
Empty your medicine cabinet and put another mirror in there. Scares the hell out of snooping house guests.
Why would anybody put 99 bottles of beer up on a wall in the first place?
I`m for driverless cars, but honestly, having to drive is the only thing standing in the way of me being a complete drunk piece of sh!t 24/7
I bet blind people think farts are funnier than deaf people.
I just watched Back to the Future Part II and not once did I see a person walking around staring at their smartphone.
My goal in life: Build a time machine and travel forward into the future until I can stop and ask someone "Do you know what `buffering` is?" and they are clueless.
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.
Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot revenge.
Why has no one invented a button next to snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
Reincarnation is my only hope.