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I’m going to start wearing a whistle around my neck, so I can call penalties on people who piss me off.
Boobs: because you can`t suck on a girls personality
If you say "I slept like a baby" in front of me, I`ll ALWAYS assume you woke up every 2 hours, pissed yourself and cried for your mommy.
If I could have dinner with anyone either alive or dead. I would totally choose dead. Because, more food for me then.
Coffee is nature’s way of saying “Go ahead, get drunk on a weeknight, I got your back!”
They might as well put "Uhhh..." in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
People who walk down the escalator. Stop it, we have enough over achievers!
Went for a mile run today. Stupid Ice Cream Man just kept driving even though I was waving my money in the air!
Every job in the world should require their employees to enter and leave work in a Soul Train line.
I`m starting to get that "f*ck it" attitude about everything..
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. Observe them. Write down notes.
I`d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?
Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps, or does he just feel like he is at work?
Facebook is great, but I still miss the good old days of writing down my random thoughts and sliding them into stranger`s pockets.