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Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket, you`re proably not gonna win, but you`re sure as hell gonna try!
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
I hate it when people come to MY house, knock on MY door then have the nerve to ask me why I`m not wearing pants.
There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.
I hate it when I`m in a crowded elevator and yell out "GROUP HUG!" and people look at me all weird and stuff.. Making friends is hard.
I never got the expression "complete idiot". Is there an Incomplete version?
Detroit and Chicago seem to be getting it right as of late. Limit all politicians to two terms. One in elected Office and one in prison.
Yes it may sound childish but if it glows in the dark I still get freaking exited.
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
Even if your not successful in life , You are guaranteed to get two certificates
When asked `What would you bring with you to a deserted island`, how come no one ever replies, `A boat.`?
If only someone on the internet would give me their opinion on the election.
I ordered a pizza when my wife went into labor. Thad ad said, "buy a pizza, and get free delivery.
All cookies are "bite size" if you believe in yourself enough.
I love in horror movies how the person yells out "hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "yeah I´m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"