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I can`t wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.
It`s true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?
Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"
If you see me talking to myself don`t be alarmed. I`m getting expert advice.
There are three kinds of people: Those who totally agree with my messages, those who kind of agree with me, and those locked in the trunk of my car.
You look like you only got about 5 of your 8 hours of beauty sleep last night...
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says "We need to talk".
No matter what you do on the computer you always end up on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or Youtube.
Single ladies, stop saying you should just give up & get a cat , if no man wants you , don`t force an innocent cat to live with you..
Some old people are driving vehicles right now and don’t even know it.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society`s way of preparing you for your driver`s license photo.
I just put Santa hats on all my Halloween decorations.
I like dressing in a red polo shirt then going to Target & being rude to costumers
On a scale of 1-10, I give this day a middle finger.
It`s acceptable for someone to eat cereal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner as long as they still go to the gym, right? I`m asking for a friend...