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I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
I see the Seven Deadly Sins as more of a To-Do list.
If you cry loudly enough at a Walmart everyone will just assume you work there.
I can`t get the cork off my dinner.
If someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.
Ex Girlfriend: Omg! I had a dream about you last night!! Ex Boyfriend: Aww thats so sweet, what happend? Ex Girlfriend: U died :)
I DON`T NEED ANYONE OR ANYTHING!!! (Except for Louie...the name I`ve given this meatball sub.)
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn`t much, but the reception was excellent.
If two cannibals fight, does that make it a food fight?
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
One day I shall rule the World! Until then, I`m going to bed
The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.
If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me.