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How long do I have to sleep before I`m legally a bear?
I hate wasting alcohol on social occasions.
I remember when vodka was just vodka flavored ...
If a man says something in the woods.. And there are no women there.. Is he still wrong? O_o
Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can`t change a tire for sh*t.
In a 500-day period I could theoretically meet someone, get married, have a baby, and get divorced–and yet I’d still be using the same box of Q-tips.
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
I don`t always get to drink free beer... But I just happen to know my neighbor went to the night shift, and I saw him filling his fridge today.
How long do I have to stand in front of the microwave for to become a member of X-Men?
There are 364 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable.
Oh, you fell in love?! I fell in my bathtub.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
I wish people would stop judging me before they find out how much of an a$$hole I actually am.
Based on the number of smoke breaks they take, I’m pretty sure the only reason my co-workers have a job is to pay for their cigarettes.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels? - Bfanch