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Instead of torturing people for getting information, why don’t they just get them really drunk?
Look up from your phone… There’s some life going on around you.
JOKE OF THE YEAR: Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
"I`m sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing...except when you`re at a funeral.
One of the major benefits of using a combined 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner is having enough room leftover on the shower caddy for the beer.
I feel like there should be more breakfast beers on the market.
I glued the TV remote to my wife. I`m expecting her to go missing any second now.
Sorry I`m late. I had five cups of coffee and became convinced I could probably bend a fork with my mind, so I had to give it an honest try.
I`m opening a bar called The Office. You`re welcome guys. "Be home soon sweetie, I`m at The Office"
Nobody looks back on their life and remembers the nights they had plenty of sleep.
I hope when I die, it`s early in the morning so I don`t go to work that day for no reason.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand English – dogs
Then there was the ex-cop who started his own landscaping business. He called it Lawn Order.
I like to gaze up at the stars at night and think about how somewhere there is intelligent life that hates doing laundry as much as I do.
Everyday I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesturday, yesturday you were pretty f*cking annoying.