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If you bend over and place your ear next to a girls vagina , you can clearly hear her say "WTF are you Doing!"
I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
I bought a used UPS truck. It gets bad gas mileage but I can park anywhere.
People with 1 syllable names ruin the happy birthday song
I feel like water solves all problems. Wanna lose weight? drink water .. clear face ? Drink water.. Tired of your better half? Drown them
Girls here is an idea.. instead of spending that much money on make up just buy your guy a bottle of Jack Daniels.
I think people who challenge me at Words With Friends are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words.
I once had the desire to do something worthwhile with my life. Then I discovered naps.
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I`m slowly getting over it.
Look Bruce, just because you call it the "Batcave" doesn`t change the fact that you still live in your parents basement.
I`m no different than any other bachelor. I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend.
Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.
I hate when a website has a picture that you can click and enlarge. Then the "enlarged picture" is the same exact size as the thumbnail!
I procrastinate so much I’ll probably put off death and never die.