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If you are hotter than me, wouldn’t that make me cooler than you.
Deadliest Catch and Jersey Shore - two reality tv shows about catching crabs
Why is that in girls tampon commercials they dance and laugh? Shouldn`t they be revving chainsaws and burning sh!t down?
I`ve been building my own particle accelerator. Plan to create a boson particle. Explore the mysteries.....you know what? This is a lot of work. Think I`m just going to have a beer and play Call of Duty.
No YouP*rn… I do not want to play poker, I’m at work for crying out loud.
I`m celebrating 1 year of sobriety today ... I think it was 1989 ... Cheers!
The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.
I tried jogging this morning, but the alcohol kept spilling out of my glass, f&ck that.
Life advice: Enjoy the f*ck out of it. It`s that simple.
How can I be expected to make life choices when I still use my fingers to count?
"We`d be rich if you just said one f*cking word" - me, drunk, talking to my dog
"Wish You Were Beer!" Wait...no...that`s right...send.
Share this if you know someone who is alive today simply because you don`t want to go to prison.
"Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I`m not angry or covered in piss.
The only reason I offer to be the designated driver is so people will get used to seeing me load lifeless bodies into my car.