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I`m a good singer. Unfortunately I have a bad voice.
My bed has no frame and sits directly on the floor because under-bed monsters are just one less thing I have to worry about now.
"You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry" - me practicing for a successful relationship.
FYI: Push-up bras don`t actually help you do more push-ups :(
A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"
Please don`t post pictures of cats on my FB wall. I am allergic.
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna´ be a great day.
Now that "twerk" has been added to the dictionary, I can`t wait for a Spelling Bee judge to be asked to use it in a sentence.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."
I know I`ve had enough to drink when I have to concentrate to blink.
It`s really difficult to find what you want on eBay. I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches...
Letting my dad play Angry Birds on my iPad is like showing a caveman fire.
I never use the phrase, "Your guess is as good as mine" because, well... it`s not.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at him.