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I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
If anyone tells you that you drink to much on the weekends. Stop talking to them...you don`t need that kind of negativity in your life
How do blind people know when to stop wiping their asses
Saying "I`m offended" is basically telling the world you can`t control your own emotions so everyone else should do it for you.
Now that Microsoft`s Steve Ballmer has bought the Clippers, I wonder if he will release a new version every few years that we all hate.
Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I`ve only done that with pizza
Maybe there`s no such thing as automatic doors, just gentlemen ninjas.
Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I`d have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.
For those of you who know nothing about pleasing a woman... the G spot is located at the end of the word "shopping".....js
My cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it`s giving me serious ideas, folks
If tomatoes are a fruit, then ketchup is a smoothie.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
When you think about how big the Earth is, then how small it is compared to the Sun, and how the Sun is just a speck of dust in the universe, it`s easy to justify eating an entire chocolate cake.
Why do people freak out about dolphins getting caugh in tuna nets? What about the tuna?
Is it just me, or did anyone else wake up on the SEXY side of the bed this morning?