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Note to Denver Broncos: Marijuana is NOT a performance enhancing drug!
Why am I single? Answer me. . . ANSWER ME YOU STUPID CATS!!!
People with multiple personalities should donate one of them to people who don’t have one.
Boy if these walls could talk I`d be like "HOLY SH!T TALKING WALLS"
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Happiness, is just a liquor store away.
Still haven`t answered my life`s calling... I`ve always just assumed it dialed the wrong number.
My sleep number is 151 ... Bacardi 151
Not having any friends means I`m always the pretty one.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
I`m sorry, I`ll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I`m a giant.
I am going to open "The Karma Cafe" There will be no menus though. You will get what you deserve!
I`ve upped my driving skills, no go Up yours!
I’ve never met a weekend that I didn’t like.
No matter how compelling and convincing the other person’s argument is, you can always win a debate by adding “yeah, but still” at the end.