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I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
You women may be surprised to learn that making us sleep on the couch isn`t that bad. It`s kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping......with a really angry bear nearby.
"The Ugly Duckling" has a great message. Everything in life will work itself out once you become physically attractive.
I just realized there are more toes in the world than people
I passed a homeless guy who asked "Any change!?" I said "Nope, your still dirty and homeless". We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Someone`s gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves.
With all the technology available now, you’d think they’d have found a way to grow apples without those little stickers.
To everybody that is single don`t worry you will have your day............ Palm Sunday is just around the corner
I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way ... Through the driver’s door.
When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me
I just ate a Cheeto that melted perfectly in my mouth! It was Awesome! ....Until I realised that was the highlight of my day.
According to serving sizes tonight, I`m a family of 4.
People who say "I hate to bother you" need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
I’m not implying you’re stupid. I’m saying it outright. Here, I wrote it in crayon to help you understand.