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Actually, The quickest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is ... Just open the door and push her out.
I wish I had a friend like me
I`m not feeling myself today ... would you do it for me?
My wife just made a "special" dinner "just for me" for no apparent reason. I`m going to die, right ?
You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example.
Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear
I don`t care if it`s a kidnapping/murder; if you tell me a monkey will be involved, I`m 97% more likely to participate.
I hope I never go to jail because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2001
Don’t be upset that you’re single; be happy that someone isn’t ruining your life.
OMG!! IT`S MONDAY ... What the f*ck do you think comes after Sunday, Sunday JR. ?
I hate how after an argument I think of really clever stuff I should have said.
I hate when the weather man says there is a chance of sprinkles in the forecast...makes me want donuts!!
The Four Seasons, by Facebook: Spring: LOOK FLOWERS! Summer: LOOK AT MY DASHBOARD TEMP! Fall: LOOK LEAVES! Winter: MORE DASHBOARD PICS!
My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinky head that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.
Today I saw a girl with the word "Anel" on her butt. I was like, woah..it`s supposed to say "Anal"..it`s spelled wrong then I realized it was supposed to say "Angel". The G was stuck in her a$$crack