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*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Never take advice from someone more miserable than you are.
If you`ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you`ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Men are like cheap dishes - easily broken & completely replaceable!
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can`t conjugate verbs.
This liquid diet crap is a scam. I`ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I`m still fat.
Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time
I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl`s phone and saw that my number was saved as Free Food.
Is it just me, or that sea witch Ursula from the Little Mermaid inspired from a full blown flamboyant drag queen?
A fun thing to do is take a group picture at a party. Then leave & print it at Walgreens. Buy a frame, go back to party, & place it on the mantel at the party.
Even if you don`t pay, they`ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a mans attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
If the liquor store didn`t want me to drink all their alcohol than they never should have put a help wanted sign in the window.
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
If someone invites you to their wedding, it`s apparently bad form to say "Sorry I can`t make it but I`ll come to your next one".