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Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the hell.
If you tell someone your Birthday and they automatically know your astrological sign, run as fast as you can away from them.
I don`t understand no one has excepted my boiling water challenge
"Trust me, you can dance." -Vodka
You should be able to park in an “expecting mother” parking space if you’re waiting for your mom.
Not sure if my dog is barking for no reason or I’m about to be murdered.
Thinking about moving to Alabama just so I don’t have to scroll through all those other states when I sign up for websites.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day to the fool that gave up alcohol for Lent.
I found a spider in my shoe. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
Waldo wears stripes because he doesn`t want to be spotted !
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the adult version of hiding your report card from your parents.
My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo. So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!
Everyday I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesturday, yesturday you were pretty f*cking annoying.
I`ll be back in five minutes. If I`m not, read this again :D
The "Beware of Cat" sign posted outside my house doesn`t seem to be having the desired affect.