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It’s silly how we spend money on clothes when naked is free.
Try sliding down a water slide without running water to realize how important foreplay is
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig ? The letter F ?
Hiding from people at parties is my cardio.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Those Box Tops that raise money for schools really should be on wine labels and cases of beer.
justin bieber
My wife is a perfectionist but she made an exception in my case.
I`m out of bacon. This is my suicide note.
Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
I stopped paying my car payments to concentrate on my dream of appearing on a Repo show.
Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, If you do find one, what`s your plan? ;)
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
If you don`t believe that women will actually fight over a pair of shoes, you`ve never watched The Wizard of Oz!
The first guy who made fire by rubbing two sticks together probably did a lot of other weird sh!t.