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Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I’d pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, “Keep the change you filthy animal.”
Out of all the lies I`ve ever told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you´re on.
that awkward moment when your pulling the covers up and hit yourself in the damn face !!!
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering all my questions...
If I can see you, you`re invading my personal space.
I`m emotionally constipated. I haven`t given a crap in days...
You don`t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
Overheard at grocery: Paper or plastic, sir? Doesn’t matter. Im bisacksual.
I`m probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant - you can only hide it for so long.
True Story: People will believe you when start a story saying "True story"
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Going to the toilet without your phone is like going to war without a gun