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Ain’t no sandwich when she’s gone.
During Sex you burn as much calories as running 5 miles ... Who the f*ck runs 5 miles in 30 seconds.
If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.
"Don`t make me regret this." -things I think when accepting a friend request.
The ultimate act of trust is buying your spouse a gun, and then showing them the correct way to use it.
The boss said I should let my creative juices flow. What he doesn’t know is that my creative juices are vodka and cranberry.
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
I hate it when auto-correct changes my "omg" to "OMG" like, chill out, I`m not that surprised.
A woman saying "I`m not mad at you" is like a dentist saying "You won`t feel a thing."
If there’s one thing that having kids will teach you, it’s home repair.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"
Intelligence is like underwear. It`s important that you have it but there`s no need to show it off.
I think the lady at the movies is "shushing" me, but I can`t tell because I`m eating Doritos.